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The Soundtrack to My Fatherhood


I swear this blog will not become just a journal of my musings and reflections about my son. But you have to humor me at least a little, since there really isn’t anything going on in my life that is bigger to me than him. And besides, this post is only indirectly about Eli.

Primarily I’m writing because I have a new favorite musical interest. It’s someone that already has an enormous following, albeit an underground following. So you might know of him, or this might be your introduction – but I guaranty you already know his music… at least a little.

The man is Rob Dougan. He is an Australian who became notable for his club remixes. He eventually moved to England, where he got his biggest break as a producer and got a gig with a record label there. I won’t go into the rest of his history, because the important thing is his music. He blends modern drum beats and electronic effects with original orchestral/symphonic compositions in a way that is mind blowing.

You probably are already familiar with his most famous song, “Clubbed to Death.” It is perhaps the most recognizable song from the soundtrack of the “The Matrix.” It’s sound is at times driving and dark, and the next moment haunting and conflicted. It is the kind of song that gets in your head, and that you have to play over and over again. This and all the other songs from Rob’s album “Fallen Angels” are similarly intense, but each touching different emotional nerves.

But as great as that song is, it was a different song that inspired this post.

I was doing a great deal of writing at work and I needed some music that would really feed my ability to concentrate with intensity on the task at hand. Well, I stumbled onto Rob Dougan and promptly looked up every instrumental track of his that I could find. (No lyrics when I’m writing)

They were all exactly what I needed, but one song in particular stuck with me over the last couple of days. It is called “One and the Same.” It is a beautiful song, sweetly triumphant, and yet somewhat melancholy. It reminds me of movies like Lord of the Rings and Braveheart, in which the hero ultimately succeeds but the victory is bittersweet.

Well, yesterday I finally internalized just how fast Eli is growing, and how little time I get to spend with him, most days. I spoke about it in my last post, but it didn’t really hit me till yesterday. As Becky and I were going through our usual bedtime routine with Eli (putting his pajamas on, reading him his nightly story, etc.) I felt like it was too soon. I wasn’t ready to say goodnight yet. It was just another day gone by with so little time with him. I began to feel that I was going to miss his entire childhood, at this rate.

And the entire time I was thinking these thoughts, “One and the Same” was running through my head, and it moved me to tears. I can’t remember the last time I wept, but I did yesterday. And now I think this song will always carry that meaning for me. It is the soundtrack to my fatherhood. The song that will always say, “I love my son. I love Eli.” I used it in the video below.

It is so intense it hurts. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Thanks to Rob Dougan for composing such a perfect song.

  1. Holly permalink

    Brian, this is SO sweet and the music is lovely. :–) Eli is a blessed — and cute — little boyee. Ah, they grow up too fast. Deeeeeep sigh.

    • Brian permalink

      Thanks, Holly. I was just a ball of tears putting this video together… and I don’t cry. Ask Becky, this week I’ve shed more tears than during all six (almost seven) years of our marriage. And it’s just because I’ve begun to feel time slipping by so much faster than I used to.

      Before Eli, there was little urgency in life. There was always plenty of time for everything, and there wasn’t anything to be done today that couldn’t wait till tomorrow. But now with Eli, it only takes a few tomorrows and he’s completely different – and I see the pictures and video of him when he was younger and think how little I was able to enjoy him at that stage.

      So I have this renewed sense of urgency to spend time with him. I want to make sure I give him every moment I can possibly spare. Because I might not get another chance before he moves on to the next stage.

      Anyway, I didn’t intend to to write such a long response. I just feel passionate about this right now, I guess. But it means a lot that you took the time to watch it and comment. You’re the best online buddy ever.

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